A couple of months ago, as I scrambled out of a restaurant with my two cranky kids, leaving behind a table of flung food and spilled milk, a woman stopped me. “You’re a great mom. You’re doing a really good job.”
I looked back at her speechless, searching her eyes for a clue. What Jedi master parenting moves had she seen? With increasing despair, I had been bribing my three-year-old to eat a bite of grilled cheese, while his little brother nearly choked from shoveling fistfuls of pasta into his mouth. All three of us skirted meltdowns. As I wrestled the boys into their car seats, I wondered if she saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself.
I feel very privileged to be a mom – after three rounds of IVF, it is literally a privilege – but Mothers Day has never resonated with me. Growing up, I was taught it was a capitalist creation, and I was relieved to have them out. I know that I’ve lost my patience too many times this week alone to be in the running for a “Best Mom Ever!” greeting card.
Perhaps that’s because these days, being a “good mom” seems less like a personality trait than a standardized test score. The “Mommy Wars” – the endless, useless battle to decide whether stay-at-home or working moms are doing better by their kids — only feed the notion that there is a right way to do this mothering thing: there are winners and losers, good moms and bad moms.
If you read the New York Times, live in a child-centric community, or have a child who attends a school with a Parent Education series, then you have felt the impossible level of expectation and judgment I’m talking about. I don’t need to read that French parenting book to internalize the message – I’m not parenting as well as the French.
But when that woman spoke to me, unprompted, I felt that we were on the same side. We were both just moms. In that moment, being called a “good mom” was not an assessment of my achievements, but an acknowledgment of me as a fellow human up against a common challenge. Since then I’ve been thinking, what if mothers reaching out to other mothers was what we celebrated this Mothers Day?
We were on the same side. We were both just moms.
As it turns out, such an idea would not reinvent the holiday, but reclaim it. The roots of Mother’s Day date to 1870, when suffragist Julia Ward Howe, sick of the carnage from the Civil War, made a Mothers Day Proclamation to rally pacifist mothers to take a stand for peace.
A generation later, activist Anna Jarvis launched the first Mothers Day to honor the memory of her mother, who cared for the injured soldiers on both sides of the Civil War. Anna had a clear vision for what the holiday should be: handwritten cards expressing sincere, personal sentiment. Anna became so upset at the later commercialization of her holiday that she crashed a confectioners convention and landed in jail. Our current “tulips and brunch” holiday was started by a woman flipping over tables in the name of authentic communication!
After receiving the compliment from the mom in the cafe, I’m joining Anna. This year, I’ve made and shared short video clips to some of the moms in my life, expressing the simple ways I admire them — a kind of modern take on the handwritten note.
The Challenge
I’m challenging these moms to make two #mom2mom video clips to celebrate the moms they know and admire. On Mother’s Day, we can celebrate each other whether we work inside the home or out of it; whether we breast or bottle feed, microwave nuggets or make them from scratch. We can support each other for the individual, powerful and, yes, flawed forces that we are.
It’s not just mothers who will benefit, either. When girls hear women supporting each other, they will get permission to do the same. Maybe Mothers Day can be as Julia Ward Howe first imagined it, a day for women to come together and take a stand for peace, the beginning of the end of the “Mommy Wars.” This isn’t a zero-sum game. We can all win – crumbs on the table and all.
Comments 16
Stephanie E. Alvarez
I think the key is to keep the balance in between and judge individually as each mom is facing different circumstances and situations. anyways happy mothers day to all of you
Dorothy Ponton, Community Engagement Manager
Thanks!
Coni Frezzo
Simone strikes the perfect balance of humor and thought provoking content. We are all Jedi master mothers, just not all of the time!
Dorothy Ponton, Community Engagement Manager
We’ll be getting our light sabers any day now!
Karen Cahn
what a beautiful piece and I agree that we need more mom2mom communication and support for each other! tactical question….do I make my videos and just tweet them to #mom2mom?
Dorothy Ponton, Community Engagement Manager
Hi Karen,
Yup, that works! Our twitter handle is @girlsleadership
If your mom friends are more about Facebook, it uses hashtags now too.
Danielle Wood
I recall a similar moment leaving a restaurant, where a man came up to me to compliment me on my parenting. It was so incredibly unexpected– I was speechless. As Mother’s Day approaches, it’s so nice to see someone being honest about the fact that so many of us question whether we’re doing this mom thing “right”, and so many of us are just doing the best we can. I love the idea of modeling for our girls that we don’t need to be perfect, and neither do they. Thanks for posting this, Simone. And by the way, I’ve seen you in action– you’re a great mom too– patient, calm, and so clearly head-over-heels in love with your boys.
Michelle
When I saw the title of this post I was completely indignant and though, “Not GLI too? I am so tired of feeling both judged and identified as a mom. What right does anyone have of judging my mothering skills? And how does this farther the GLI mission?”
I am glad I read on, and I stand corrected. This is a beautiful, thoughtful piece and I am looking forward to rediscovering Mother’s Day in a more meaningful way.
Thank you!
Dorothy Ponton, Community Engagement Manager
Whew, I’m glad you kept on reading too 🙂
Have a Wonderful Mother’s Day
Tracy Eskenazi
Loved the article called “are you a good mom?” Thank you very much. There are many moms out there who are trying to be perfect moms, good moms, award winning moms, etc. a very wise mom once told me that all you have to do is be a Good Enough Mom. I like this term because it takes the pressure off and it implies, as it should, that we don’t have to do it perfectly. Thanks for reminding me of this! Tracy E.
Dorothy Ponton, Community Engagement Manager
Hi Tracy,
Good Enough Mom is a very appropriate title, isn’t it? Wonder if anyone makes t-shirts (or superhero costumes) with that phrase.
Happy Imperfect Mother’s Day
Valarie Burgess
You are once again, so right. We have so many voices in our head telling us we don’t know what we are doing, it is an incredible gift to let another mom know she is doing a good job. What a great idea & follow through.
Dorothy Ponton, Community Engagement Manager
Valarie,
Thank You for this comment. I’d like to quote you in future tweets/ FB posts about the #mom2mom challenge. What is your preferred way to be mentioned: Twitter handle, initials, anonymously?
-Dorothy
Simone
Thank you Valarie– so glad it resonated. I feels great to be practicing this mindset.
Patty Dow
BRAVA!
Dorothy Ponton, Community Engagement Manager
😀