She’s My Best Friend. Am I Hers?

Hi Rachel,

There’s this girl that I’ve been friends with for several years and I’ve always considered her as my best friend. Lately, though, she hasn’t really been acting like a friend. She has been putting me down a lot with little teasing remarks. I mean they aren’t that major just small things, but I’m a very sensitive person and they really hurt.

I don’t say anything because I don’t want her to think that I’m overly sensitive, emotional, or weak, so I just kind of shrug them off and try to forgive and forget, which for me is nearly impossible.

And not only that, but she also has started to only invite me to hang out or do things last minute after she has invited everyone else. I know this because she would talk about the plans with our other friends in front of me when I haven’t been invited yet. After she invites me and I say I can go she says they need a ride and asks if my parents can give it. If my parents are available and agree to take us we all go and have a pretty good time, but if they can’t she just cancels the whole thing.

This has happened at least 5 times in a row recently. So I have a feeling she never really wanted me to go in the first place, she just knew my parents would probably take us. I’m so confused and don’t understand why she is doing this we used to be so close and i’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything to make her mad. At least not intentionally or that I know of. Please help me get my old best friend back!

Confused and Hurt

Hey C&H,

It’s so tough when one person starts to drift in a relationship — friendship or otherwise –and the other person is still totally into it. But before we go there, let’s talk about your belief that sharing your feelings makes you weak, sensitive or emotional. I’m afraid that’s just incorrect.

Mature relationships are about two people balancing their individual, unique needs and values. It’s two people — two different people — so it’s impossible NOT to have differences. That’s not just normal, it’s often what makes a relationship stronger and more interesting. Honesty is oxygen for healthy relationships.

So there is nothing wrong with saying what you need. How you say it is another matter. Let’s talk about that.

I think you should go to your friend and just name what’s changed in your relationship. Just be straight up and not attacking about it. I’d probably start off by saying, “It seems like things are different between us, and I feel worried about it. What do you think?” Questions are always a great way to initiate tough conversations without attacking.

Be prepared for her to deny it. You’ll probably need to get into the nitty gritty. Make sure you have examples of the little “teasing remarks” you mentioned — be prepared to say what they were and when they happened.

As for canceling plans when your parents can’t drive carpool – well, that’s a little dicey in the Grievances Department. You’re making an assumption about why she cancels the plan, and if you go there with her, my guess is that she’ll deny it. Stick to what’s clear and indisputable when you talk to her.

If you can speak respectfully and clearly, and you still don’t get a change in behavior, then listen closely to what she’s telling you. She may be moving on to another friendship. Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t value you for who you are.

And don’t let the gremlin in your head tell you this is the most you deserve. There is a friend out there for everyone. Go find your next one. Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

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